Editor’s Note: Below is a review written to the tune of “Master of the House” from the musical ‘Les Miserables.’ Albeit my natural bias, what you’re about to read may just blow your mind. Consider yourself warned.
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down
And meet the best director in town
As for the rest, all of ’em vile
With mise en scene and competent style!
Seldom do you see
Experts just like me
The gent for this event
Who is content to be
Master of the zoom, pushing in the cam
Overacting actors will conceal my scam!
Quiver of a lip, tear roll down a cheek
Customers are crying so they can’t critique!
I already won an Oscar
So no need to be precise
Academy loves ACTING
So zoom in and get an Oscar twice!
Master of the zoom, nothing but a face
Empty space on screen is such a great disgrace!
Epic songs galore, majesty and might
I’ll cut down the budget if I stay in tight!
Everybody hates good framing!
Oh to hell with mise en scene!
Since I have an Oscar
Faux pas are all forgotten in the end!
Master of the zoom, filming very near!
Never look away or you might miss a tear!
Artist hard at work, you can’t disagree
He’s the only one who’s working half as hard as me!
Everybody hates discretion!
Subtlety is so passe!
Cry and moan and grunt!
Helen Hunt’ll be forgotten Oscar day!
Falsetto, Hugh? Don’t make me laugh!
Turn Bring Him Home up to ten and a half!
The louder you sing, the more you emote!
Big faces, please, don’t rely on your throat!
You’ll have a beard
And dirty teeth
And once they’ve cheered
Awards they’ll bequeath!
Hi there Mr. Crowe! Yes, you’ll be Javert!
Your lack of expression is divine, I swear!
Flatter than a leaf, your acting AND your voice
Surely all the crowds will love your every choice!
Deadpan acting’s more than welcome
We can’t have hams in EVERY role!
We’ll say your lack of acting
Represents the deadness of his soul!
Never be precise, never be concise
Crowds who love a musical will all be nice
Here a choppy cut, there a camera sway
Make you long for visuals from Michael Bay!
Everybody loves Transformers
There are a lot of tricks he knows!
His editing thesis: gluing bits and pieces!
Jesus! There’s no need to shot compose!
Master of the zoom, angles ever Dutch
Lens so close to actors that their noses touch
Chance for greatness blown, theater geeks are cooked
Samantha Barks is good but she’ll get overlooked
Everybody curse Tom Hooper!
Everybody feel the gloom!
Everybody give thumbs down!
Where is my Oscar gown?
Everybody give thumbs down to the Master of the Zoom!