The tired-looking radio DJ looks at the equally tired audience, going through the motions of asking trivia questions so the people who’ve waited in line for hours to watch a movie about robots beating the tar out of each other and anything nearby can win a prize pack full of stickers that no one really wants. “OK, so, in the new Transformers, what are the names of Mark Wahlberg’s two co-stars?” The answers run the gamut: “Megatron and Optimus Prime!” “Kelsey Grammer and Stanley Tucci!” “The one who replaced Megan Fox…and her boyfriend, I guess.” All of these answers are incorrect, and they are all correct. Optimus Prime and a Megatron-esque baddie loom large in Transformers: Age of Extinction, as do Kelsey Grammer and Stanley Tucci. And then there are Nicola Peltz and Jack Reyner, AKA the one who replaced Megan Fox…and her boyfriend, “I guess.” No one in this crowd really cared too much about the question or the answer or the prize pack, which is fitting, because Transformers: Age of Extinction is a movie made by people who care equally as little.
Wahlberg plays Cade Yeager (Cade, by the way, only becomes a first name not worth scoffing at if we choose to let it pass, and we shouldn’t), a down-on-his-luck inventor living near Paris, Texas, and…now, now, don’t laugh too hard. Yes, Wahlberg is playing a real inventor here, someone whose various robotic creations look roughly as chintzy as the audio-animatronics that lined Disneyland and Walt Disney World in the late 1980s. Cade, in spite of his enthusiasm, is clearly not a very good inventor; as this character, Mark Wahlberg makes Mark Wahlberg in The Happening look like something of a Rhodes scholar. He and his winsome daughter (Peltz) wind up entangled in an interstellar battle when Cade stumbles on Optimus Prime, who’s in hiding as a shady black-ops group led by Frasier Crane and his attack dog (Titus Welliver, who was far more evil in brief moments on Lost as The Man in Black) take down any and all Transformers in hopes of harnessing the technology to create them on Earth. Of course, this idea backfires on them, as Autobots and a series of nasty human-made Transformers do battle in Chicago and China and everywhere in between.
It’s been just over a year since Michael Bay directed Pain and Gain, which was a decent enough if sloppy satire, but with the fourth Transformers, he’s sliding back into his old routine. The one thing that’s lacking from this film, thankfully, is outlandish and frequently racist attempts at humor. (TJ Miller and Thomas Lennon have brief appearances here, but the comic relief is much lower in general.) But everything else he’s known for, like excessively noisy, lengthy, misbegotten, and incomprehensible action sequences, is present in this film. Transformers: Age of Extinction is that rare beast in cinema: a movie that’s so drawn-out, so long, so unnecessary, and so obnoxious, that it becomes physically exhausting to make it to the closing credits. Those who make it out of this film should get a commendation. The major problem, specifically, is that this film is 165 minutes, and very few of those minutes are essential. The basic plot could be dealt with in a handful of minutes; the rest is just interminable visual and aural chaos.
If there is a contender for the worst moment in Transformers: Age of Extinction, it comes right before the closing credits when the script all but ends with a character saying, “Get ready for Transformers 5, everyone!” Watching robots destroy each other should be fun, especially when some of those robots ride dinosaur robots. It should be enjoyable to watch Stanley Tucci get loud and flamboyant, or to watch Kelsey Grammer sneer evilly (even if the enjoyment of the latter is ironic). Hell, watching Mark Wahlberg do a riff on Bruce Willis’ overly protective dad in Armageddon could be good in the right film. But Transformers: Age of Extinction is the very opposite, full of bland character types, mixed political metaphors (the Transformers are illegal aliens and terrorists and drones, oh my!), and truly mind-numbing action. It’s almost impressive how Michael Bay figured out how to make robots fighting each other the antithesis of fun.
4 thoughts on ““Transformers: Age of Extinction” Represents The Antithesis of Fun”
I recently answered a question of what would be my own pop culture hell on the AV Club and I stated that everything Michael Bay does from Armageddon to know in an endless loop is one of things that would make hell so painful to endure.
I would like to thank Paramount Pictures for not screening this film in the Fresno market. That meant I had a very good excuse not to write a review of the film.
Wait you mean Michael Bay made a Michael Bayish movie? I’m shocked.
Do not listen to the detractors for nothing on Earth will ever satisfy
your inner Transformers geek more than witnessing the utter, complete
and total redemption of Michael Bay. With one glorious fell swoop this
evidently slow-to-warm-up-but-eventually-wizard-like filmmaker has
expunged all his previous crimes against the Transformers fan base and
finally delivered them to their deservedly blissful state of
Cybertronian nirvana.
Like a twenty first century Jesus armed with $200 million
dollars, Bay has redeemed even the gravest of the sins of our childhood.
Not only has he risen phoenix-like, still burning yet majestic, from
the putrid black ashes that remained from the burning of our childhood
dreams and his own reputation. Incredibly, he has somehow also redeemed
the once unforgivable abomination that was the ascension of Rodimus
Prime. In one two and half hour expedition to the pinnacle of
awesomeness he has made whole the millions of innocent hearts so
cynically and selfishly broken all those years ago.
Suddenly the pain and confusion that was so cruelly and
needlessly inflicted upon us in 1986 can be forgotten. Even the fresher
scars, the proverbial salt in the wound that is the memory of the first
three piles of turd rubbed onto celluloid that Bay tried to pass off as
Transformers films, have been forever healed. Like faithful, stubborn
and persistent visitors to a highly priced and extremely talented
plastic surgeon, we have had our scars forever erased.
All those that have ever nestled into the sometimes prickly and
often disappointing bosom of the Transformers geekdom, go forth like
pilgrims to thine local cinema. Flock now so that you all can finally
revel in your long overdue and much deserved cinematic birthright: a
truly epic journey into the elusive and sublime joys of well thought-out
and skilfully delivered Transformers ‘fan service’.
This movie isn’t for the hordes. It isn’t for the unfortunate
souls that weren’t brought up living and breathing robots from
Cybertron. It’s not for the critics. It’s an expensive, much belated and
exclusive gift made especially just for you. An epic, royally
triumphant and completely kick-ass Transformers movie that respects the
fan base while also creating a new folklore that not only doesn’t make
you want to stab yourself in the face with a rusty nail while having
your eyeballs lacerated by a million paper cuts, it is actually pretty
awesome in its own right.
A true fan will find it almost impossible not to love this film. It is simply that good.
Michael Bay I never thought I would ever say this but, thank
you. Even the $600 million odd dollars and approximately seven and a
half hours of my life you wasted setting up the story line of this movie
with those first three abominations now seems like time and money well
spent.
For after nearly thirty long years of shattered hopes and unfulfilled
expectations, finally our inner 6 year olds can live the dream. Finally
we can stand on the apex of the Mount Everest of 1980’s nostalgia – and
wholeheartedly and enthusiastically enjoy a Transformers movie for the
first time – all the while being snugly wrapped in a delightful bubble
of restored faith, emancipation from loss and total satisfaction.
Do not take heed of reviews written by people that have never
transformed a toy from a robot to a car in their lives. Do not be
distracted by accounts of gratuitous product placement. Worry not about a
repeat of previously indecipherable shot composition and editing.
Cleanse yourself of the horrible memory that is Shia LeBeouf.
This film delivers much more in the way of fan service than any
of the previous films. Some of it is subtle, some quite overt (Galvatron
transforming into a cannon and Optimus spending some time looking much
like his G1 alter ego in truck form are notable examples). The movie is
peppered with a lot of little touches that would probably be lost on
people new to Transformers, but that had me clapping the screen at
stages. Some people actually applauded the movie when it ended.
It’s like they finally aimed it at the fan base, rather than
take it for granted that the fan base would go anyway and trying to make
it work for everyone else. And I for one appreciated those touches as
they have been sorely missing from the franchise. But regardless of
whether that stuff resonates with you or not it still has a much better
plot than any of the other films and importantly it’s a grand spectacle –
almost without a doubt bigger and more outrageous than any other movie
in history, period. It is simply EPIC.
Anyone that is a true Transformers fan obviously wants to and
tries to like these movies. Three times previous to this I have failed
in this task more or less and pretty much became a card carrying member
of the &@#% You Michael Bay You Killed My Childhood club. Yet this
time when they take it in yet another direction that is completely
incongruous with the beloved and sacred G1 mythology – I totally went
with them instead of fighting it. And actually, it is pretty damn cool.
I
didn’t have to try to like this movie. As a Transformers mega-geek Age
of Extinction was inherently enjoyable to me in nearly every way. Plus
as I said it has a lot of delicious little morsels for the old school
fans that just become the cherry on top of a very sweet sundae.
I am honestly and truly sorry for anyone that thinks they are a
Transformers fan but that doesn’t absolutely love this movie. I think it
is just a horrible defect in their personality. They will never be
happy unless watching the movie is a mere carbon copy of their
experiences watching the G1 cartoon. Yes Michael didn’t go in the
direction we wanted him to at first. But where he has ended up should
allow us to forgive if not forget and appreciate the unique and
incredible nature of this motion picture.
When we thought all hope was lost, Michael Bay has given us what
we have been wanting all these years. But for some their own cynicism
will not allow them to celebrate the occasion. To them I say let the 6
year old inside you finally let go of all the pain and rip up your Bay
Haters membership card.
All the Transformers aficionados that are brow beaten, dejected and void
of all hope should rest assured that finally Michael Bay has
miraculously managed to not completely &@#% up a Transformers film.
The jaded, dejected and resentful among the once wide-eyed and
awestruck Transformers mega-geeks: rejoice! For you are the chosen ones.
You are the chosen few for whom Transformers: Age of Extinction won’t
be a loud and obnoxious destruction of two and a half perfectly good
hours of your life. It will be an exhilarating, deeply satisfying and
ultimately spiritual experience.