‘Getaway’: CRASH! COME ON! CRASH! ANSWER! CRASH! SHUT UP! CRASH!

The following contains the full experience of Courtney Solomon’s Getaway. It may contain spoilers, if you consider dialogue from the film spoilers.

CRASH.

BROKEN GLASS.

PUDDLES OF BLOOD.

FLASHBACK. FLASHBACK. FLASHBACK.

WOMEN BEATEN UP GRATUITOUSLY.

“Do what I say, or your wife will die.”

“Steal it.”

PUTS CHEW STICK IN MOUTH LIKE IN DRIVE.’

“Answer.”

CRASH.

CARS FLY.

“Smash everything you can!”
“I can’t!”
“You have no choice!”

CRASH.

“The water truck. Smash into it.”

WATER CRASH.

“Wonderful, Mr. Brent Magna!”

“Go faster!”

“Turn right now.”

CRASH.

“Slow down!”

“Shit!”

CRASH.

“Pull over!”

“Do it. Now!”

CRASH.

CUTE SELENA GOMEZ AS DETROIT BALLCAP WEARIN’, HOODIE SPORTIN’, TOUGH-TALKIN’ TEENAGER

“Get out of the car!”

“Shoot her or your wife dies.”

“I can’t!”

CRASH.

“Let me out!”

“I can’t!”

CRASH.

CUTAWAY TO MUSCULAR BULGARIANS SHOUTING.

WOMAN BEATEN GRATUITOUSLY.

BEAUTIFUL WIFE SOBBING IN DUNGEON WITH PISS-STAINED MATTRESS AND RUSTY PIPES.

“You’re obviously very disturbed.”

“When some dipshit steps to me, I can take care of him.”

“Shut the hell up!”
“You shut up!”

“What do you want?”
“I want you to stop talking…”
DRAMATIC PAUSE
“… and I want my wife back.”

“Answer.”

“Turn right now.”

“Who’s doing this?!”
“I don’t know!!”

CRASH.

CUTAWAY TO MUSCULAR BULGARIANS SHOUTING.

BEAUTIFUL WIFE SOBBING IN DUNGEON WITH PISS-STAINED MATTRESS AND RUSTY PIPES.

“Answer.”

“The clock starts… now!”

CRASH.

“Dammit.”

CRASH.

“I’m totally screwed!”

“Turn right now.”

CRASH.

“Remember, if they catch you… you’ll be a widower!”

“We’re gonna die! Please stop!”

CRASH.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“… did you zink ve vere done?!”

CRASH.

“Running out of time! Tick tock!”

CRASH.

“Bravo, Mr. Magna! Well done! Your wife lives…”
DRAMATIC PAUSE
“… for now.”

“Do I know you?”
DRAMATIC PAUSE
“I know you, Mr. Magna.”

“I hate you.”

“You know a lot about cars for a…”
“For a girl? Wow… Welcome to the 21st century.”

“We are alive.”
“Barely!”

“I didn’t graduate from Charm School like you, so, y’know, you’ll have to tutor me some time.”

“What are you, like, ADD or something?”

“I’ll give you this, you are bright.”
“It’s called being educated, you should look into it.”

“Answer.”

CRASH.

“Turn right now!”

“I’m kinda busy!”
“Learn to multitask!”

CRASH.

“You are inquisitive! I LIKE IT!”

“He is a real asshole.”

CRASH.

JON VOIGHT’S NASTY TEETH CHEWING OLIVES CASUALLY.

“Why you?”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“… cuz I can drive.”

“If I were him, I’d kill her and I’d kill you… shit… I’d probably kill me too.”

MANIACAL LAUGH.

“You make it so much fun! Remember, no matter where that clever mind takes you, I WAS THERE FIRST!”

“Can I give you some advice?”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“Run.”

EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION!

CRASH.

CRASH.

INSANE AMOUNTS OF BULGARIAN COP CARS HAVE CRASHED.

JON VOIGHT READS COMPUTER SCREEN THAT SPELLS OUT IN ALL CAPS FONT PRECISELY WHAT HE’S PLANNING.

“Before it was just you… this car… but now, I’M screwed too!”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“I gotta take care of myself.”

“Answer.”

“Stop her from leaving.”
“Go to hell!”

“You don’t have to do this.”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“I want to.”

CUTAWAY TO MUSCULAR BULGARIANS SHOUTING.

BEAUTIFUL WIFE SOBBING IN DUNGEON WITH PISS-STAINED MATTRESS AND RUSTY PIPES.

“I just wish I knew what he was after.”
“You and me both.”

“Answer.”

“He wants you to rob my dad’s bank.”
“Awww shit.”

CRASH.

“This is a suicide mission!”
“Ignore her! Turn around! TURN AROUND!”

“I need you to turn the car around. Turn the car around. Turn the car around.”

“You can’t do this.”

CRASH.

“What does he want? Bonds? Bearer bonds?”
“Bearer bonds? How old are you?”

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE AT BEAR BOND HUMOR.

“How much are we talkin’ about?”
“Could be billions.”
BEAT.
“I shoulda been a banker.”

CRASH.

“Here we go!”

CRASH.

“I’m goin’ for it!”

CRASH.

“That was awesome!”

CRASH.

“Get us out of here!”

CRASH.

“Look out!”

CRASH.

“Watch out!”

CRASH.

WILHELM SCREAM.

“I really really hate you.”
“I can understand that.”

“We’re his decoys!”
“Great.”

SELENA GOMEZ FLIPS OFF AN INNOCENT TRUCK.
“Watch where you’re going, asshole!”

SELENA GOMEZ DOES THAT THING FROM SPEED WHERE SHE MAKES A LOOP TO FOOL THE BAD GUY, BUT SHE DOES IT, I SHIT YOU NOT, USING THE IPAD IMAGE LOOPER APP.

“So you were right.”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“I wish I wasn’t.”

“I told you you were bright.”

CLOSE ON JON VOIGHT, SMILING WITH ONE DISCOLORED TOOTH.

CRASH.

CLOSE ON JON VOIGHT’S FIST SLAMMING A TABLE IN ANGER.

“Get them!”

CRASH.

“Answer. Answer! ANSWER!!”

CRASH.

“We hold the cards now, asshole!”

CRASH.

MOTORCYCLE GETS PUMMELED BY A TRAIN.
CUT TO JON VOIGHT EXCLAIMING “SCHEISSE!”

“This is Sofia police department! Get out of car!”

“Get out of my way, copper!”

“I can’t believe that worked.”

“Get out of the car.”
“No.”
“Get out of the car.”
“No.”
“Come on, get out of the car.”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“I’m coming with you.”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“You’re an extremely stubborn person, you know that?”

CRASH.

“Dammit! Get down!”

CRASH.

“Look out!”

CRASHES THROUGH VARIOUS CONVENIENTLY PLACED STACKS OF BARRELS AND CARDBOARD BOXES.

CRASH INTO A TRAIN CONTAIN A LENGTHY SERIES OF EXPLOSIVE TANKS, WHICH BLOW UP ONE AFTER THE OTHER AS THE CAR SPEEDS ALONG.

“I have an idea. Get out.”

“It’ll never work.”

“Answer.”

“You zink you are so smart!?”
“Shut up and listen.”

“Where’s my wife?”
“Where’s my drives?”
“Where’s my wife?”

“Follow him.”

“Let her go first.”

“SHOOT ZEM!”

“Shit, they got the kid! I gotta go after her!”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“Go get her.”

CRASH.

“Move out of my way!”

CRASH.

“Brent? YES!”

CRASH.

“You’re screwed now, asshole!”
“Shut up!”

CRASH.

“Come on! Come on!”

CRASH.

“Dammit!”

CRASH.

“What are you doing? Is zat…a camera?!”

CRASH.

INTENSE ETHAN HAWKE SCREAM.

BIG RIG TRUCK DEUS EX MACHINA.

“I know where she’s going.”

LENGTHY TRACKING SHOT EXECUTED IN MOSTLY SILENCE THAT SHOWS THE FILM’S POTENTIAL, MAKING THE END RESULT THAT MUCH MORE DISAPPOINTING.

“Out! Now!”

SCREAM.

CRASH.

“I guess I owe you one.”
“You owe me a new car.”

“I’m your biggest fan.”

“It’s the season to be together with your loved ones, so I’m told.”

ZOOM INTO OUTER SPACE TO SEE SATELLITES.

“So let’s just say au revoir.”
DRAMATIC PAUSE.
“It’s been most entertaining.”

JINGLE BELL ROCK COMES IN.
CREDITS ROLL.