Welcome to The Penny-Pinching Cinephile, a weekly spotlight of the best free flicks on the web. ‘Cuz sometimes you gotta eat.
On tonight’s special holiday-themed Penny-Pinching Cinephile, I’ve scoured the Internet to find the nicest (okay, mostly naughtiest) Christmas movies available to stream free of charge. Break out the mistletoe and eggnog, because things are about to get jolly!
Blending some legitimate psychological drama with boobs and blood galore, the controversial Christmas classic Silent Night, Deadly Night was picketed by parents and eviscerated by critics (Gene Siskel personally called out its creators on air). But time is on this film’s side–yes, Virginia, it is a great horror movie after all! Of course, SNDN is ripping off Halloween in the “holiday-themed slasher” genre, but the kills are gruesome (a naked girl gets impaled on antlers!), the dialogue is hilariously corny (“Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!”) and the film is filled with outrageous characters (a creepy grandpa, an axe-wielding Santa and sadistic nuns). Even with these exploitation elements, it’s hard not to feel sorry for Billy, the poor boy at the center of the story who was sent to a bleak orphanage run by a no-nonsense nun with a passion for corporal punishment after his parents are brutally murdered by a psychotic killer dressed as Santa. When he’s asked by his toy store-owning boss to dress up as Santa and entertain some children, of course Billy goes nuts and kills everyone. Really, they were kinda asking for it.
But if you’re looking for something a little less violent this holiday season, you can’t do better than perennial Christmas classic A Charlie Brown Christmas. After first being broadcast on CBS in 1965 (when it debuted to an unbelievable 50% of that night’s television audience), the special has since aired every year around Christmastime. Everyone has a different favorite part of the special: Snoopy dancing on Schroeder’s piano, Pig Pen’s incessant dust cloud, Charlie Brown’s saddest Christmas tree ever… but the standout scene in this special will always be Linus’ recitation from the Gospel of Luke. A Charlie Brown Christmas‘ message of anti-commercialization seems to become more and more relevant every year; it’s not about how fancy your tree is, it’s about peace and goodwill towards men. Amidst screeching about a non-existent “War on Christmas,” A Charlie Brown Christmas is refreshingly anti-dogmatic. Sure, Christmas has evolved as a religious holiday, but it’s also about hanging out with your friends, being nice to each other, putting on plays, and lots of dancing. In the all-time ranking of best Christmas specials, it’s hard to top this one.
3) Santa Claus
Whereas A Charlie Brown Christmas blends the holiday’s religious and secular elements pretty well, 1959’s Mexican film Santa Claus… doesn’t. Known informally as “Santa Claus vs. The Devil” (and “The Worst Movie Ever Made” by some), this movie sounds truly too insane to exist. Check out the Wikipedia description: “Santa works in outer space and does battle with a demon sent to Earth by Lucifer to ruin Christmas by killing Santa and ‘making all the children of the Earth do evil.'” This synopsis fails to mention that Santa is aided by his best friend Merlin the wizard, has an army of child helpers from every country in the world (who sing ethnic songs in the film’s opening) and later in the film gets chased by a rabid dog. Famously lampooned on an episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” Santa Claus‘ surrealism would impress even Salvador Dali. In one sequence, Lupita, a poor little Mexican girl caught between loving Jesus and Santa, is terrorized in a nightmare by life-sized, dancing dolls that induce her to steal. Although originally intended for Mexican audiences, the film was dubbed into English and released in America where it unbelievably enjoyed holiday season popularity throughout the ’60s and ’70s. Proof of the absurdity of our myths and traditions, Santa Claus deserves a place among your most cherished holiday movies.
4) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
If you like your “Santa vs.” movies more sci-fi than Satan, 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the film for you. It opens with the disturbingly catchy theme song “Hooray for Santa Claus” and only gets weirder from there. The children of Mars have become obsessed with Santa Claus by watching too much Earth television, so they rebel against the strict societal structures of Mars where creativity, free thought and fun are all forbidden. In order to appease the children, the planet’s leaders travel to Earth to kidnap Santa and bring him to Mars. Then an evil, mustachioed Martian named Voldar tries to kill Santa and the Earth children for, he believes, corrupting the purity of the Martian race! Y’know, that old story. Featuring green-skinned Martians with antennae and rayguns, robots that look like they’re made of cardboard, and grown men in polar bears suits, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a holiday movie that truly has everything.
5) Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
Rare Exports is one of the best recent “anti-Christmas” movies, a horror-fantasy film that hails from the land of the real Santa Claus: Finland. The plot centers around a group of reindeer herders whose livelihood is threatened when the reindeer start turning up dead, a phenomenon linked to a mysterious excavation site on a local mountain. Turns out, the excavation has dug up Santa Claus himself, long preserved in the Arctic ice, as well as his cadre of elves. They’re famished from their centuries-long slumber and hungry for reindeer… and maybe more. The film’s non-traditional treatment of a cannibalistic, emaciated, naked Santa Claus may not be for everyone, but Rare Exports certainly scores points for originality and sheer hutzpah. Funny, creepy, gory, weird, and even a little heartwarming in parts, this Finnish import definitely strikes the right balance between horror scares and holiday cheer. If you’re looking for an offbeat Christmas movie to watch this season, Rare Exports is the one for you.
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