Being a firm believer on beginning with a note of optimism, I made a conscious decision to open Movie Mezzanine by releasing a list of our favorite 50 movies of 2012. But now that the honeymoon phase has come to an end it’s time to briefly discuss the pieces of filmmaking that caused this writer pain, sadness, confusion, and then more pain.
One of the perks of writing about movies semi-professionally is that it grants you opportunities to watch a whole lot of movies for free. Through press screenings, film festivals, and studio screeners I managed to catch around 130 movies that were released in 2012.
As with any year in the history of cinema, these past 12 months came with many highs and many, many lows. Since the movies in question are ones I feel not worthy of deeper analysis (nor your time), I’m going to quickly run through them in tweet form (140 characters or less). Hopefully this list will serve as a cautionary tale to all of those reading.
Dishonorable mentions:
American Reunion, The Bourne Legacy, Bully, Detachment, Dolphin Tale, God Bless America, John Carter, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Man on a Ledge, The Man With the Iron Fists, Mansome, Men In Black III, The Possession, Pusher, Red Dawn, Taken 2, and Ted.
10.) The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
That this anti-climactic conclusion manages to be more incomprehensibly inept, trite, and dull than its predecessors is the film’s greatest achievement.
9.) Project X
A terrifying omen for the possible future of civilization, this profanity-laced, unfunny, and deeply misogynistic film is a road to nowhere.
8.) Prometheus
A rapturous sensation of visual splendor blunted by an asinine screenplay that asks questions and then doesn’t even attempt to answer them.
7.) The Lucky One
Manipulative drivel adapted from the faux-romantic writings of Nicholas Sparks. Moreover, this film has 7 excruciating montages. Yes, I counted.
6.) Act of Valor/Battleship
Two dumbfounding and cartoonish hyper-action films imbued with reckless jingoism and unrelenting stupidity. Disrespectful to the abhorrent nature of war.
5.) Killing Them Softly
A disastrously edited, vile, and drab gangster flick littered with incongruous political jabs. A cynical film for cynical people everywhere.
4.) Alex Cross
Tyler Perry belittles our intelligence with the insipid ‘Alex Cross’ — a film that deservingly explodes in a fiery pit of hackneyed cinema.
3.) Playing for Keeps
Such a contrived, brain cell-killing, and disingenuous representation of love that you’ll have to bathe yourself in ‘Annie Hall’ for days.
2.) The Watch
Some sort of product-placing, juvenile anomaly wrapped around a noxious and obnoxious expedition through male masculinity and insecurity.
1.) Parental Guidance
This is precisely the sort of artless, nails-on-a-chalkboard movie that makes me contemplate whether filmmaking truly is an art form or not.
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What are some of your least favorite endeavors of 2012?
35 thoughts on “The Worst of Movies of 2012”
You have some good choices of Bad movies there Sam. I wouldnt hate on Parental Guidance that bad as to put it at number one, but its hard to defend. Right there with you on Act of Valor (horrible), The Watch, Playing for Keeps, and Alex Cross though. Some awful flicks right there.
Project X reminded me too much of my own high school days to bash it. LOL
If ‘Project X’ reminded you of your high school days, then I have a few questions for you:
1.) How are you still alive?
2.) Where the hell were these crazy parties?
and
3.) How are you still alive?
Project X is based off of a party I threw. I’m upset they cut the “triple beer bong” chug, but hey, gotta cut something for time.
Ha ha ha. Your parties at Duke I presume 😀
Seeing “Prometheus” on this list hurts me. (It sits on the #1 spot on my favorites of 2012.) I can see why people would be disappointed by its lack of answers–personally, I found that that is its best quality–but one of the year’s worst? You deserve an alien virus in your drink, my friend! 😉
I am most surprised to see “Bully” under the “Dishonorable Mentions.” I’ve been searching for a copy (or streaming) of that movie for so long. Netflix just sent me “The Bourne Legacy. (Uh-oh.) But I’m glad to see “Mansome” on that list. I didn’t think it was terrible, but it could have been so much better.
What do I consider terrible? “The Watch.” I still cannot believe I sat through that.
In my three years of writing about the movies, I’ve never had anyone tell me I deserve “an alien virus” in my drink. Quite original Franz.
‘Bully’ is listed because it’s an offensively one-sided representation of a serious issue. ‘Mansome’ had a whole lot of potential, but it did nothing with it. I still have faith in Spurlock though.
The Words easily, easily, easily belongs here– that movie gets absolutely nothing right.
I also really hated A Late Quartet and Butter, but for the absolute worst sack of crap this year it has to go to Battleship or The Watch. I can’t think of a single redeeming quality in either of them; the former is just totally soulless filmmaking in service of selling toys, and the latter completely disrespects great traditions of genre storytelling with bad humor and worse storytelling.
I saw ‘The Words’ and had some mix feelings. Too clever for its own good – and one of three narratives is especially more interesting than the other ones (book within a book within another book). Although, despite my intrigue I can totally see where your criticism is coming from. It’s one of the more thematically obvious and heavy-handed movies of 2012.
Never got around to either ‘A Late Quartet’ or ‘Butter.’
Not the worst film of last year but one I took a strong dislike to was The Lorax.
Dr Seuss’ children’s book The Lorax is a a gentle and sad masterpiece of brilliantly inventive rhyme and delirious artwork. You wouldn’t know that from this film which removes that astounding creativity and wraps up what’s left in a noisy and generic animated adventure.
In a treeless and polluted land 12 year old Ted Wiggins (Zac Efron) lives in Thneed-ville; a high-walled plastic city controlled by the villainous O’Hare (Rob Riggle).
Ted has a crush on Audrey (Taylor Swift) and to impress her he goes into the wilderness to find her a Truffula tree. Instead he discovers an old man called the Once-ler (Ed Helms) who tells Ted the story of how his greed destroyed the once beautiful land despite the warnings of the Lorax (Danny DeVito), the guardian of the trees. The Once-ler gives Ted the last remaining Truffula seed who then returns to the city to battle O’Hare, plant the seed and so hopefully attract Audrey’s attention.
The film maintains and updates the gloriously impossible design of Seuss’ world but can’t improve it. The animation is excellent; the Truffula trees look so comfy and warm you could go to sleep in them.
Zac Efron and Taylor Swift are adequate in their roles but strangely the former never sings and the latter has been cast presumably to help sell the soundtrack. Danny DeVito doesn’t bring enough energy or anger to his character and doesn’t provide the bite the film desperately needs.
The action sequences are dull and unexciting. The runaway river ride is very weak and while the final chase through the city is the stronger both suffer from a lack of originality.
The script is poorly written and has no faith in the ability of children to understand subtlety while the pro-green, anti-greed message is unforgivingly laboured. It has annoying inconsistencies and there are too many boring minor characters.
There are a couple of magical moments when Seuss’ original verse is spoken but mostly the dialogue is poor punctuated with lots of teenspeak ‘Like, yeahs’ and so on.
There are jokes but not very good ones abd they are thrown in every time the movie thinks it is losing the attention of a particular demographic. It runs around desperately keeping all its plates spinning in the air.
There are jokes for kids and jokes for adults but no jokes for that appeal to everyone in the way that Pixar and Disney can do so well. This piecemeal approach means more targets are missed than hit and nothing is laugh out loud funny.
The one good gag is the use of two static ridden bears to defibrillate Ted but how many kids will understand the joke? Or the jokey reference to selling to target markets?
There is slapstick animal cruelty for comedy (a bear is used as an american football) which is poor judgment in a family movie. There are pastiches of tv adverts dropped in for no great reason and a ‘stuck in a lift with strangers listening to muzak’ joke.
There is political satire: O’Hare is short but wide with teeth braces and a bowl haircut. He has sycophantic aides and silent henchmen, giant gold statues to himself and systematic denial of the realities of the outside world beyond the city. He is a a parody of North Korea’s Kim Jong Un and his inclusion suggests that the message of this film is that capitalism and communism are equallly bad and the only future is to embrace environmentalism.
O’Hare is villainous but not menacing and though he has a hi-tec surveillance system and an army of henchmen, he can’t stop Ted leaving the city whenever he wants to. He is not a particularly charming character and the relentless pro-green, anti-greed message is at odds with Ted blasting around on his motorised mono-cycle and looking cool.
Ted is 12 years old because that makes him old enough to be interested in girls so a female character can be introduced but young enough so kissing is the extent of his sexual ambition. He is dependent on his mother (harassed and put upon but kind and loving) and have a granny who is sprightly enough to get in in the action. Audrey has little to do except be pretty and wait to be impressed by him.
The Lorax is a small, orange, hairy peanut of a creature that appears in a cosmic display of wonder but is helpless before the march of technology and is helpless in preventing the destruction of the forest. He can miraculously appear anywhere he chooses to but needs help opening a door to leave a room.
Bears and fish are cute but lack individuality and the donkey is less irritating than the one in Shrek mostly because he is silent. The Once-ler’s hillbilly family are a badly conceived addition.
The songs are mostly loud, irritating and forgettable and the imagery to one seems heavily influenced by the far superior Lion King song ‘Be prepared’.
Considering how brilliant Seuss’ book is, it’s surprising how uninspired this movie feels. It is best summed up by that word all children hate to hear. It is a disappointment.
Treat yourself to a copy of the book instead.
Well, at least we now have a review of ‘The Lorax’ on Movie Mezzanine.
I’ve generally tried to avoid movies that look obviously bad since I’m not reviewing many new movies, so I’ve skipped most of these. The two exceptions are Prometheus and John Carter, and I didn’t have a big problem with either one. Even with some of its issues, I can’t imagine there aren’t a lot of movies worse than Prometheus. I’ve even seen a decent amount that are worse.
Before yesterday, I would have listed Safe House as the worst movie I’ve seen this year. But then came Total Recall, which I watched last night. I can’t think of a movie that felt like more of a throwaway product that the flimsy remake. Despite a huge budget, lots of action, and a lot of CGI, it was extremely dull and predictable.
I never got around to ‘Total Recall.’ It’s not something I’m particularly itching to see.
‘Prometheus’ is probably the one film mentioned that most people will disagree with. Understandably so. But few films this year left me as aggravated and dumbfounded as Scott did here.
‘John Carter’ was achingly mediocre, as was ‘Safe House.’
Thanks for reading Dan.
I thought Total Recall was dope. But I’m close to alone.
You kinda are alone. I thought it was very dull. Not terrible, just…nothing…
I try to avoid some bad movies but I will somehow watch them for sadomasochistic reasons. I have seen some stinkers of 2012. So far, the films I’ve hated from 2012 are A Thousand Words, The Three Stooges, and the stuff that I saw from Project X on TV.
I really did cut back on the bad movies this year. If the film wasn’t screened for us, and I didn’t want to see it, I didn’t (unlike past years).
Proof? I didn’t see either ‘A Thousand Words’ or ‘The Three Stooges’ … though I do have a morbid/masochistic curiosity in the latter.
I am actually very curious to see The Three Stooges. I think the Farrellys are terribly underrated filmmakers (their Heartbreak Kid remake manages to update a flat-out masterpiece in a way that so many remakes only stab at) and they are probably the American filmmakers most suited to presenting a farce rooted in the silent era.
It’s not even a typical cinematic farce. It’s straight up three Stooges shorts thinly tied together perfectly replicating the Stooges style. No more, no less. But, as a fan of the originals, I thought it was quite well done.
Yeah I was surprised that I enjoyed Three Stooges as much as I did. It’s low-brow, pun heavy slapstick geared more towards kids and littered with current pop culture references (Jersey Shore, Kardashians, iPhones), but as a fan of the old shorts I couldn’t help but enjoy it. It’s no award winner or anything even remotely close but I sure wasn’t bored.
I’ve never been enamored with the Three Stooges. Not sure what it is.
The Three Stooges was an exact replica of the old shorts, even down to format. I’d wager all old Stooges fans would thoroughly enjoy the film.
I strongly disliked Killing Them Softly as well. However, if you really want a cynical movie for cynical people, look no further than my personal pick for worst movie of 2012: God Bless America. Good fucking god, there were technically worse films that released this year, but none angered me the same way that one did. If its points are agreeable, it’s only because it panders so hard you could hear Goldthwait behind the camera yelling “LOVE ME” incessantly. The fact that its humor is dark isn’t the problem: Rather, there’s almost no humor at all. It’s all just soapbox speeches, one after the other, in dull, repetitious fashion.
I usually avoid all the bad stuff that I know will be bad (Parental Guidance for example), but I still saw some other fairly horrendous films. Breaking Dawn Part 2 was asinine in every regard, but I also managed to find it ludicrously enjoyable in its stupidity as well.
Taken 2 was dreadful, no surprise there. You were lucky to avoid Silent Hill Revelation 3D and The Devil Inside because those would’ve totally made it on the list. Lastly, I found The Amazing Spider-Man to be abhorrently lazy and idiotic, along with the Total Recall remake.
I think the main one I disagreed on was Prometheus. Yes, it doesn’t answer any questions, but from my perspective, it forced me to answer them for myself, provoking a surprising amount of thought that, like it or not, not many science fiction films are able to accomplish these days. It’s no Looper, but it did the job for me. The script is imperfect, of course, but I Ridley Scott directed the hell out of it, and I found it absorbing enough to ignore the central faults in its plot.
Very good list. Surprised Project X isn’t higher.
Visually, ‘Prometheus’ was compelling; everything else wasn’t (at least for me). I understand that defense of Scott’s film … “it doesn’t answer any questions, but from my perspective, it forced me to answer them for myself.”
That’s all well and good, but the film doesn’t even attempt to answer them. I don’t find watching movies that solely ask a myriad of philosophical questions particularly enlightening or even interesting. Above all, the characters act so irrationally that the film ultimately has absolutely zero stakes to work off of.
As for ‘Looper’ … I’m so glad you mentioned it Chris. Johnson’s film should serve as a reminder that “Sci-fi” films can be so much more than world-building and visual artistry.
Yeah, Looper’s probably the best “pure sci-fi movie” of this generation, next to Moon.
I’m stil in love with ‘Moon’ … Duncan Jones is talented though.
My bottom three: Snow White and the Huntsman. Savages. Compliance. Killing Them Softly would definitely make my bottom ten though.
I never got around to ‘Compliance.’ I’ve heard good and bad things about it. Still intrigued.
‘Snow White and the Huntsman’ wasn’t that awful. It was merely adequate.
Snow White and the Huntsman did nothing for me on any level. Prometheus was at least visually stunning. Snow White had an ugly color palate and never even intrigued me enough to disappoint me later. I wanted to walk out nearly every five minutes.
Sounds exactly like the Total Recall remake to me
You don’t see a lot of movies if these are the worst. It almost seems like you’re gloating, that you chose so well in 2012 this was the worst it could do to you.
Bryan, perhaps you didn’t read the entirety of this article. I watched over 130 movies released in 2012. Now, some people have seen more than that number (though not many).
I apologize if I came off as gloating — that was clearly not my intent. Though I do wonder, where do you think I demonstrated “gloating?”
Anyway, thanks for reading.
You didn’t seem like you were gloating. That was hyperbole, to show how you didn’t suffer as much as you should have. Though I guess it didn’t feel that way to you.
Interesting list, but I can’t agree with you on Prometheus and Killing Them Softly. Prometheus leaves questions unanswered because there will be sequels. Killing Them Softly seems to have divided its audience, I thought it was amazing and loved the editing of it. It’s not your typical gangster flick and that’s why I loved it.
It’s certainly not your typical gangster flick. Then again, it doesn’t feel much like anything.
But hey Nostra, I’m glad you found enjoyment in those two movies. We can’t all agree on each movie. And that’s ok.
I take umbrage at the inclusion of KILLING ME SOFTLY on here. What a truly great, gritty, dirty 70s-vibing crime flick is doing with the rest of this dreck is beyond me.