It’s film festival season, and you know what that means: lots of coverage of movies you can’t see yet because you can’t afford to go to Venice, Telluride, or even Toronto. But we have a solution! For the 99% of us who can’t attend the festivals and comb through the printed guides in person, but who want the thrill of discovering something new, here is the Film Festival Blurb Generator. To play along, just select one phrase from each box.
Just when you thought you’d seen the last word in…
French Uruguayan Eskimo LGBT sexist German-language black-and-white crowd-pleasing fascist unwatchable
horror teen romance coming-of-age stoner propaganda animated snuff surveillance educational pornographic
films, here comes…
Blue American Give Me The Beasts of The Who Ordered The Get A Load of These Machete-Wielding Flagrant Everything You Need to Know About Blurry Pictures of
Bullies Bisexuals Telemarketers Lottery Losers Tilda Swintons Netflix Customers Cricketers Hookers Strict Constructionists Toupees
brutal perfumed militaristic bloated high-calorie intense left-wing inconsistent vegan hilarious
body horror race-based comedy hand-wringing filth misanthropy existentialism Holocaust denial depictions of bowel movements knock-knock jokes Sundance rejects
and…
thought-provoking shrill candy-colored toothless slippery condescending genuinely obscene subtly plagiarized miserable high-spirited
social commentary. economic screeds. political manifestos. Buzzfeed lists. cat pictures. cave paintings. Internet memes. bacon fetishism. slander. Winnie-the-Pooh cosplay.
Written and directed with…
passionate talent startling racism no regard for the laws of God kids in mind a crew of immigrants the feds hot on her tail no sense of irony blind devotion to Scientology too much heroin in his system sausage-fingered hands the cooperation of Orson Welles’ ghost
by…
visionary genius eloquent hobo reformed alcoholic Maytag repairman out-of-work poet Norwegian sex offender fictional comic book character wanted fugitive one-time sex-haver Toledo’s own
Susan Werner Brog Maleficent Thorn Cleopatra Bilge Barnham Nae-Nae Betty Jo
Svensson, Spielbergo, Hatchcrack, Derrp, Redford, Stinklater, del Nino, Scorpion, Wyndham-Smythe, “Shakespeare,”
the film portrays…
vampire nuns Amish lesbians under-privileged werewolves the teeming masses people who can’t whistle reluctant zombie-hunters Old Testament hygiene rules Midwestern farmers’ daughters John Grisham novels mommy bloggers
in a whole new light. with offensive accuracy. as metaphors for society’s failures. through a series of interpretive dances. in a post-9/11 world. without forgetting the lulz. through the eyes of an idiot. ruining everything. with a surprising amount of frontal nudity. as vital elements of a healthy dystopia.
When…
a high-school quarterback an unmedicated schizophrenic a down-and-out Walmart greeter a small-town mayor a time-traveling circus clown an overzealous TSA agent a Brony a boy soprano an ambitious encyclopedia salesman a reanimated corpse
with superpowers without a country on a bender dealing with some personal issues fed up with “Grey’s Anatomy” with one arm that you’ve never heard of whose therapist hates him who’s thisclose to snapping unburdened by intelligence
meets…
the Dalai Lama, an untimely demise, an immovable object, the Harlem Globetrotters, a hooker with a literal heart of gold, Dane Cook’s entourage, a drummer with Parkinson’s, the love of someone else’s life, the man hired to kill him, a Regis Philbin impersonator,
the result is…
shockingly erotic. gently humorous, if historically inaccurate. slick and wet, like an otter. guaranteed to disrupt your digestive cycle. disrespectful to your mother, but in a good way. a minty fresh diuretic. difficult to describe without hand gestures. more rife with Masonic symbology than you’d expect. not for the faint of heart. bound to suffer a backlash by the time you actually see the movie.
Thanks to the filmmaker’s…
fondness for limericks questionable fashion sense knack for hyperbole grating Twitter presence family connections slavish fans ability to predict festival programmers’ tastes influence in Canadian politics sublime odor big fat honking vision
and the…
Oscar-baiting histrionics stellar wigs high cheekbones obliviousness easy-to-spell names talk-show availability whiteness calf implants hallucinogen-influenced performances thick accents
of the talented cast, this film ensures you’ll never look at…
tighty-whities the Belgian flag anatomically-correct CPR dolls the face of a loved one irregular-shaped moles unicorn enthusiasts House Party 2 yourself in the mirror anything oblong multi-level marketing schemes
the same way again.
