Really, Bieber? Top 5 “Worst Birthdays” on Film

Worst birthday

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 2, 2013

We’re all sorry for Justin Bieber right now. Poor kid just wanted to go out and have a great time on his 19th. Sadly, he couldn’t get his underage friends into a club, so they ended up back at a hotel eating McDonalds. I sympathize. I once ate McDonalds on my birthday and ended up questioning the point of existence.

But really, Bieber? Worst birthday? I think you need some perspective. TO THE CINEMA!

Here are five of the worst birthdays on-screen. And since we all know truth is often stranger than fiction, if these birthdays are this awful, you can imagine some sad sacks in real life have experienced way worse.

5. The Room – “I fed up with this world!”

It’s all downhill the second those poorly paid actors party guests start singing at you, but then your big night get’s a whole lot worse when your best friend gets a little to close to your “future wife.” Not just one, but TWO epic fights break out. You know it’s a bad birthday when you have to start chirping like a bird to get back at your friend for sleeping with your girlfriend.

4. A.I.: Artificial Intelligence – “Keep me safe, Martin.”

You come home after nearly dying, only to discover your parents tried to replace you with a creepy new robo-brother. Then, on your birthday, said creepy robo-brother loses a screw, grabs you and falls into a pool. You nearly drown. It’s okay, though, because deep down you know that you’re a human being and so your potential existential crises are far less devastating. You sleep soundly with that knowledge, though you’re still bummed that your birthday party ended with you nearly dying… again.

3. Harold and Maude – “Oh, Harold. That is wonderful.”

Okay, so this one you really do to yourself, but it’s kind of an awful birthday for the rest of your guests. It’s your 80th birthday, and the teenage boy whose fallen in love with you is there. What do you do? Commit suicide, of course, leaving that boy to complete his coming-of-age with a deep sense of loss. That’s just how it has to go. At least you’ll be sleeping well that night.

2. The Royal Tenenbaums – “That’s just one man’s opinion.”

It’s your 11th birthday and you’re an aspiring playwright who wants nothing more than some fatherly recognition. Sadly, your father is a total asshole who can do nothing but criticize your first play for having a lack of defined characters. This moment will traumatize you for a lifetime, making you incapable of ever getting too emotionally close to another man who isn’t your adoptive brother. These are the birthdays that destroy lives.

1. The Birds – “Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Here’s a tip: if Alfred Hitchock offers to plan your birthday party, just say, “no.” It won’t end well. Take this lovely little birthday party. Everything’s going so well. You’re playing games with your friends. Then, all of a sudden, birds come from the sky to start terrorizing you. Their wrath is unstoppable. They peck at your head and Tippi Hedron is your only hope. Sure, McDonalds sucks, but fearing that a bird might poke out your eye sure sounds like a more nightmarish way to spend your birthday.

Bonus! The Game – “What do you get for the man who has everything?”

It’s bad enough that Sean Penn is your brother, but then he decides to get you a birthday gift? Look, I know that ultimately this game your brother makes you play ends up turning you into a better, more happy person, so technically it’s a pretty good gift. But yowza! Do the ends really justify the means? “Hey brother, I’m going to put you through a David Fincher-style horror-thriller, but in the end you’ll thank me for it. Happy birthday!” Screw you, Sean. Screw you.